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A
warning to all men
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A
small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt!"
A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
Three
Men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager" he said I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few
minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished, he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand.
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be
outdone, he stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns with
a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom. The others raise their
eyebrows and Paddy says "would you believe it I'm getting a fax!"
A little town
had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at
the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money;
hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning
and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their
computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
Dave Poole. Milton Keynes
During sex, my
girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a
hotel. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom.
New breast
enlargement available free on NHS?
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were
touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed
this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a > >
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! "
Jacqueline Bowen
The Priest in a small village was very fond of the rooster and
ten hens he kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the
rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen. The next day
at the morning mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up. "No!", the priest said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No!", he said with a hint of
annoyance. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No!", he said angrily, "That
wasn't what I meant either. HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY COCK?" All the choirboys
stood up.
Q.
How are Lawyers like sperm?
Ten reasons studying is better than sex:
A cute
little girl with curly hair goes into a pet shop and teetering backwards
and forwards on her toes, says to the shop keeper: "Pleeth mithster thop
keeper I am looking for a litoo furwy wabit". The shop keeper wanting to
be customer friendly goes down on his knees in order to be at the same
level as the little girl and asks: "Wet me thee. We haw litoo bwack furwy
ones, litoo bwawn furwy ones and litoo wite furwy ones, which type of
litoo furwy wabit would you like?". To which the little girl replies: "I
don't fink my python gives a thit."
When
Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
Jack
decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan
and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's
terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk
if I let you stay in my ho use." "Don't worry, " Jack said. "We'll be
happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine
months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him
a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from
the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He
dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little
embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did
you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face
turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you
ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
From Jackie Bowen Surrey
A piece of fish
and a bag of chips walked into a pub and asked for a pint and a packet of
crisps, landlord says: "Sorry we don't serve food here".
A
truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down
the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road,
he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and
then he would swerve back on the road.
There
are four engineers travelling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one
a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an
engineer from Microsoft.
ALCOHOL WARNING:
Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your trousers. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu
powers. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember) Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns
on the forehead. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing
in your home. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are
laughing with you. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the
project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He
sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he
told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any
idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through
here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ....well...it's too
late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up....!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he
was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sexfreak? " The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. "
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON
DE WRONG FEET! !
A. One out of a million turns out to be a human being!
You can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left
off.
You can finish early without feeling guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened
it.
A little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book
teaser"
You can do it, eat and watch TV, all at the same time.
You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for
help!
Lee McCabe
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex
was.
Tarzan said, “Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, ... but I will show
you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes and laid down on
the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and
then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
A. Skid marks before the dog.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he
pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going,
Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued
down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the
road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he
remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.
Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down
the engine before we can get the car working again," says the
mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if
the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel
system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical
engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing. They
ask him, "What do you think?"
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in,
and open the windows again."
Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the
Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
